The Thing Is.

Apparently ‘The Thing’ movies are on their third incarnation since the sixties, each reflecting the current zeitgeist. Anyway being in the latter stages of a cold here’s a new proposal for a fourth. 

For

thousands 

of years the human race

has suffered from the common cold. 

Innocuous enough but strangely resistant to any form of cure. It’s just two sickie days and a runny nose that firms up into gooey lemon curd. But what if that lemon curd has been slowly dissolving some lower part of the human brain responsible for individuality? Yes I’ve just read on the internet that this has been know about for years. Since the 1800’s the elite responsible people in power have been working relentlessly to counteract this long-term condition affecting all of us. After the smogs of the fifties they created an explosion in advertising and spent millions of dollars on television networks just to help us make our individual choices. Their slow sickening realisation that the masses would dissolve into pointless dissolute eccentricity made them redouble their efforts. They expanded government, provided us with an intricate framework of laws and provided us with wars just so we wouldn’t fall victim to the malaise of the common cold. But after all this valiant effort we just kept catching colds, atchooo, and our condition worsened. They provided countless hours of sit-coms to help us remember what it’s like to have a sense of humour, hours of reality programs to show us how non-suffering individuals can have fun in the jungle and Essex and bitch about other people’s cooking. And all interspersed with those vital ads should we succumb to not knowing what to buy. Sadly their superhuman efforts on our behalf have come to no avail and it is widely runed that 2012 will be the year of their final defeat. How we will cope without them God only knows. With our unique power to pursue being an individual gone what will be our fate as we finally succumb to, ‘The Thing that makes us Sneeze’? A nondescript oneness, a sort of pointless freedom? Who knows. So coming to a cinema near you, the scariest film you’ll ever see, “The Thing from Wolverhampton.”