Bernard the Prick.

OK now here’s another world-beater, I like this one: VIP. We’ve had VAT so how about VIP, Variable Income Pricing. It’s very simple. We each have a taxable income worked out by the Inland Rev. This simple information is added to the data on our credit cards. Then, when you go into a shop to purchase an electric toothbrush or flatulence tablets etc the base cost of the item is multiplied by some factor related to your income. Thus flatulence tablets would cost 65 pence to an unemployed cosmetic surgeon but only £5.95 to a hedge fund manager who’s just got out of his Ferrari parked on a double yellow line. Yes it taxes the rich more than ordinary people but only if they buy something, they can still have low income tax. I mean they love buying expensive cars and houses and jewellery so lets increase their enjoyment by making them even more expensive. “Oh yes Sid, this Lambo cost me ten times what you’d pay for it, but you see I can afford it, unlike you.” “Well Damian that’s amazing. I’m so impressed, I never dreamt anything could be that expensive!” “Oh it’s nothing Sid. Work hard and one day you’ll be able to spend money like I do.” They’ll love it. Bankers who’ve fallen on hard times will get depressed, ashamed by the low prices they’re being changed. “So how much did that Nigella Lawson cook book cost you?” “Don’t remember.” “Oh come on you’re just avoiding the humiliation of paying £6.95. Mine cost me £87.80. Bernard got his for £127.95 but he’s a prick. Ha ha ha.”