Do you enter into conversation with lifts and Sainsburys automated checkout stations? Where are we now? “Ground floor.” Are you going to open the bloody doors? “Doors opening.” Thank you, etc. Only by entering into conversation with these messages do you realise how passive aggressive they are. “Have you used your Nectar card?” No I’m just trying to find the bloody thing, it’s in here somewhere. “Have you…” OK OK, ah here it is. “Card accepted.” Oh thank you, very kind of you, I feel quite fulfilled by your sincere endorsement. Oh and “Approval needed”, which insinuates gently but categorically I have to ask an embryo to verify I’m in fact old enough to be his grandfather. Yes thank you very much, I’m well aware I’m fifty years the wrong side of eighteen. Then there’s “Unexpected item in the bagging area.” This means ‘you cheating bastard, you’ve tried to get away without paying for something.’ I tell the machine an unexpected crow has just landed on my six-pack of sausages and is pecking at it to get it open, but it takes no notice. The embryo looks at me suspiciously and swipes his magic card again. Finally it gives me permission to go, “Please take your shopping. Thank you for shopping at Sainsburys.” But this is just a taster of what’s to come. Imagine switching your fully automatic robot hoover on to clean the front room carpet and its sweat cleaner voice reporting, “Perhaps in future Gordon you would like to pick up all the small Lego pieces before you turn me on.” Or your programmable dishwasher suggesting, “Gordon this is the second time I’ve had to tell you you’re not pre-washing your dinner plates thoroughly enough.” No, mark my words, we’re heading for robot servitude. And then on leaving our Sainsburys I hear, “The travelator is coming to an end. Be prepared to step of.” Well quite frankly, at my age that’s offensive.
No comments:
Post a Comment