My Football Mouth.

Having a mouth like the Somme battlefield after a heavy night’s shelling I’ve just returned from another visit to my dentist. I realise now there are some who watch Strictly giving marks out of ten for dentistry. Brucey, 9.5- top and bottom sets by Revis and Hughs Labs, Epsom, excellent work; Russell Grant, 8.0- front four incisors  slight mismatch with own canines, Robbie Savage, 11- Oh my God, get a room! etc. And that’s with their mouths closed; God knows what he makes of the X Factor contestants with their molars exposed in full gob extension! He’s probably mentally toting up the cost of the work they need doing while they’re singing, “I need your vote, god speed your vote, god vote for me, my y y yy y y love” for survival on a Sunday. But I have to admit, Russell Grant has been a surprising find, managing to combine the attributes of a Tele-Tubby with the spirit of Martha Graham. No dis Russell, you’ve got what it takes, incisors aside, whereas I, falling into the trap common to all commentators of saying they’re useless at everything, am useless at everything. My score for dancing would accurately reflect my dentist’s opinion of my mouth, “abysmal Garry.” (as in Alan Hanson’s view of Chelsea’s back four) But at least now I’ve got a presentable front four; I’ve named them Belotelli, Rooney, Drogba and Hernandez, nestling between my own canine stalwarts of Scholes and Giggs. But then it’s still the back four molars, Vidic, Ferdinand, Smalling and Brown who do all the hard work. I had Ashley Cole out.