The Arse Wipe Election.

As I remember no one taught me to wipe my arse. I’d been aware of it being done by my mum and then one day she probably just said, “Here now you do it, there’s some paper”, which incidentally was pre-torn squares of newspaper ‘up north in them days.’ I did not go on a government sponsored arse wiping training scheme or pass a SATS exam. There were no government guide lines or accredited arse wipe trainers. My ability to wipe my own arse is totally government free. Complete wagon rains and communities rolled across the US completely government free and thrived successfully. Yes, the Lone Ranger and me did it ourselves, we’re rugged individuals living on the wild frontier. Yet something tells me we’re getting close to video cameras in toilet bowls to gather information on the nations arse wiping ability. I don’t know whether it will be to reduce the rates of bowel cancer by cleaner bottoms or the effects of indulgent loo roll use on climate change but it’s coming. Some expert study will prove that only by government intervention can we as a society achieve efficient levels of bottom cleaning. Members of the middle classes will meet to agree standards, train in their implementation and counselling the failures. The more assiduous will rise through the ranks, raising standards, setting new targets and regulations. We will be required by law to install easy clean high def Toilet bowl cameras connected to the national gov-web to ensure these standards are met. The Prime Minister will point to the economic potential of this new technology. The opposition will say their standards would be higher and achieve large economic savings by greater efficiency. The individual, rather than musing gently through the Sunday colour supplement, relaxed and content, will be wracked with apprehension and possible guilt spending an inordinate amount of time worrying if they’re meeting the latest Ofstead arse wipe standards, while lowly surveillance operatives shout, “Fuck me, look at the size of that turd!”