I’m turning into…

…a Giant Slug. It’s true. I’ve started leaving silver streaks down the stairs as I slither between kitchen and screen. My legs have atrophied into a squidgy tail, my arms are now little stumps with digits, and my head has sunk to just above my gelatinous tummy. One has to admire evolution; if it’s not needed, it falls off. And lets face it, I don’t need what I’ve lost. I hear people bang on about arms and legs and the good old days when they went skiing and rock climbing and stuff but what fool would suffer all that danger, pain, cold and rain when I can do it all via digits and a screen? I’ve got all the information I will ever need, every past performance and show, and I can fight wars past, present and future without a scratch. There’s enough TV in a single week to last a lifetime and I can play them again 24/7 on my iPlayer and iPod. I can see giant killer whales snaffle penguins, ants copulate and stags kill each other. I’m beginning to realise that’s the difference between humans and animals; they do physical things and we don’t need to anymore. I don’t even have to walk to the shops. As Christmas passes and we move into the 2010’s we will begin the decade of “Do it with digits.” No cars, no flights to the Alps, no holidays in the sun, just a nice warm lamp, microwave chips and a screen. No global warming and the solution to overpopulation, water and food shortages as we evolve past the slug stage to being digitally integrated. A human being will become a fully integrated, networked unit residing in a waterproof box the size of a portable radio. Complete nutrition fluid will be pumped down tubes and we will live forever. I can’t wait; those trips to the kitchen are getting quite tiring.