Sport Relief.

Well I’ve just sponsored James Cordon for £5 to go to South Africa with the England team. He IS Coach of the Year! And therapist too, as in his new SKLF technique of, ‘Slap ‘em with a kipper and leave them laughing at their own foibles’; a branch of the noble art I would personally gladly sign up to if it was recognised by the BACP. Eddie Isard along with the cyclists et al have done unbelievable things, the money’s been raised and the lives of malaria victims will improve. But while watching pigs and humans rooting rubbish dumps together I somehow wished it had been interspersed with video clips of drunken UK youths fighting in the streets on a Saturday night, peeing and mooning and mugging for phones. Of ignorant parents slapping their kids, addicts monged out on crack carelessly shitting themselves, of all our mighty decadent ignorance. It might show which ones are the overweight camels trying to squeeze through the eye-way to heaven. Where there was not death there were smiles far brighter than the contortions of revellers, the sneers of brawlers, the dull faceless faces of the fixed and even the transparent expressions of us couch potatoes. No, I’m not sure which way my sympathy goes. We are after all only a great civilisation watching what a great civilisation can become, and this is just a moment in a time of transition. Should I feel sorry for kids with a job of scraping plastic lipstick cases or kids with no hope of employment? Should I feel sorry for kids running around in rags or kids in designer labels who don’t run around at all? Somehow we exist on our achievements, not for income but for life itself, and an achievement is an achievement irrespective of context. From Eddie who ran further than we thought possible, the millionaires who danced, the saddle sore cyclists to the little workers learning to read, they all grew and found joy from their achievement. In England we need to make ourselves opportunities to achieve just as much as Mumbai. It’s not a one-way street. So Stiffmouse and Mothermouse will be appearing live at The Gardeners Rest pub, Neepsend Lane on Saturday, 9pm 27th March. Not for the money, for the achievement. Please come, we'd love to see you.