False Buddha Syndrome.

I’m the first reported case in the UK. Well the world actually seeing as I’ve just made it up, but I’ve a feeling it may be the next pandemic, so be warned. It hinges as you might expect around wisdom. The early stage symptoms are a slight smugness producing a meaningful but flaccid smile of understanding. A good thrashing will cure this in no time. If left untreated though the patient begins to suffer the delusions of knowing. He may begin to nod and impart his awareness of humanity’s foibles, especially the bit of humanity that includes his partner. This incubation period is difficult to treat. Whatever one does will be feed into his or her complex awareness of foibles and be added to his or her understanding. The sufferer will also subtly modify their foible dictionary with regard to themselves by changing the sign and value of judgments. This becomes an unconscious process impervious to argument. The patient is now at the point of developing full blown False Buddha Syndrome. Here in what’s called the ‘Buddha phase’ mutation begins. The patient’s dictionary of foibles being complete he, well me, takes on the mantle of mastery. He, well I, ceases to pontificate and hears and understands all with the wonderful knowing that all hurt is self inflicted by the ego, that if you are pissed off with him, well me, it’s you and a description of your ego problem is featured on page 472, paragraph 7. The medicine at this late stage has to be self administered and is so bitter it requires a kriptonite spoon as all normal materials melt. The prescription reads, “NEVER think you’re wiser than you are! and as you, i.e. me, haven’t a clue how wise you actually are, best to start at the lowest level you could possibly be.” On very rare occasions Buddha himself has been known to appear to patients and say, “You fucking twat!”