The RC Party.

Well Christians, what can I say? A party of RCs’; onomatopoeic or the closest I’ll ever get to a Republican Convention? First of all let me say we love our Greco-English neighbours, they could be Gerald Durrell’s inspiration for ‘My Family and Other Animals’, a wonderful combination of love and space to be their unique selves. A veritable Harrods cheese board of characters, a cornucopia of fruitcakes. They do though invite the local Catholic un-dead to their parties. Like being Tardis-ed into a Republican Convention I am struck dumb, unable to expend even the slightest percentage of lung function in conversation. I genuinely can’t explain it. It’s as if my life flashes in front of me full of the pitfalls I’ve been perpetually struggling to avoid. Niceness. The wonderful farcical contradiction is that Jesus was not a believer. He may have been a profit, a teller of God, a beautiful human being but he wasn’t a believer; he made it up as he went along. Every day it was like ‘wow this life is amazing!’ not ‘Yes I grew zuccinis’ in the states and you know if you leave them too long they grow this big!’ or ‘that colour would look lovely in our lounge.’ Jesus didn’t do that. You can strike me down dead this minute if Jesus, like me and Mothermouse, wouldn’t have been up in the smoking room with the kids within fifteen minutes of arriving. “Who are those loonies downstairs?” “They’re gathering together in your name.” “What!! You’re kidding me. I’ll go down and throw over their table of tasty nibbles.” “No, stay and tell us, how is heaven these days?” “Full, don’t even think about it.” No, Jesus was as meek and mild as Brian Sewell. He wasn’t into tasteful terracotta décor, he brought the dead back to life, which incidentally isn’t even allowed in Star Trek to this day. He was tempted and, unlike Maradona, came back a better player. He was crucified and, unlike most savaged celebs, didn’t resort to a stint in the Big Brother house. He rose majestically from the dead like Take That. He was mega. OK I’m being holier than thou but at least I’m enjoying it.