Toothache Plus.

Up at 6am for a urinal requirement and it looks like bloody November! And I’ve got toothache! And wet cat Dave insists on showing his affection by chilling my ankles with wet fur. This calls for Shreddies. I turn on the telly to look for times of MotoGP. I get ‘Crash Test Dummies.’ Two vaguely Australian orange boiler suits gurn at me: no I’m not making that word up MS Office, it means ‘to make extreme facial expressions.’ I may have spelt it wrong but it looks better than all the other attempts you’ve ungraciously put a red line under. They gurn while testing how many toilet rolls it takes to stop a 2.5 millimetre bullet from injuring a melon. This is wrong on so many levels it surely signifies the end of the human race as the earth’s predominant intellectual species. It perhaps does though explain why teenagers of a certain ilk gurn into their mobiles on nights out and plaster them on Facebook. I can only presume their own identity has been so subsumed by sitcoms it’s as lost as a message in a bottle bobbing across the Pacific. And just in case you missed the subtlety of that analogy, a bottle has no means of intelligent directional propulsion, like oars and stuff. I turn to room 101, BBC’s ‘Wake up to this Wonderful Morning’ News. OK then why, when there’s sixty odd million of us does the BBC choose cripples to present these early slots? By ‘cripples’ I am of course not referring to persons with incomplete bodily function but rather the verb definition, “Deprive of strength or efficiency; make useless and worthless.” These are beta version people, incomplete, full of bugs, pre-release specimens put out to the gullible public for testing. The male’s male member is surely a courgette and the woman’s cleavage etc is as alluring as a crack in the pavement. Why my bowels put me up to this early morning experience I’ll never know.