Success on X Factor.

Whilst laid out on a sun lounger in Greece Mothermouse got through the X Factor auditions. I asked if she got through to the live shows. “Der, of course!” Apparently comatose to the outside world she had picked out a dress, shoes, tights etc, decided on “Cry me a River”, the old version, and stunned the judges. So much so Cheryl Cole became a close friend and agreed to give her all her dresses after the show because she couldn’t be seen in them twice. Then off to Simon Cowel’s house in Bermuda, a knockout performance of the Arctics, ‘Florescent Adolescent’ to show her versatility and through. The last time we spoke she was stuck on her song for the Big Band night. I’m no better. I’m regularly interviewed for the Today Program on the motorway. I’m particularly proud of my contributions to ‘The Moral Maze’ because they always have such twats on and my incisive comments are a total breath of fresh air compared with the turgid claptrap of the rest of the panel. I tried the X Factor but to be honest I couldn’t get excited about it, not having spent all my working life serving in Burger King or being an unmarried mother of two. Looking at this year’s crop we’d probably be excluded for not still living with our parents, because they’re dead. That’s not a criticism by the way. So we’re both dreamers, although I’d like to think of it as preparation. Mothermouse would indeed scrub up very well and sell a song on X Factor, she’s elbowed me out of the limelight enough times on our gigs at the Gardeners. But I would win on the Breakfast Show and Question Time. It’s all about preparation, putting the effort in. Like lying on a sun lounger in Greece and deciding what to wear.