Big Brother with Guns.

Friday, 9^th July. Sky News. 6.35pm. Man resembling Raoul Moat has been surrounded in Rothbury, a sleepy Northumberland village. Woman with freshly applied peach blusher, blue eyelids, gloss lips and hair black enough to challenge even our Panasonic Visio32’s 1000:1 dynamic range is interviewed. “Yes me mother can hear ‘em talking to ‘im across allotment by the kiddies park He’s holding a gun to his head.” Newsman turns to expert in ‘talking-to-poor-fuckers-so-they-don’t-top-themselves’. Bla. Five officers stand akimbo across the main street in front of Cuthbert’s Tractor Repair garage. Newsman repeats everything the expert has just said to camera. “I’ve just been told there’s breaking news so back to the studio.” The studio shows a clip from a training video in Rotherham of men wearing body armour. Back to the scene somewhere near where it’s all kicking off. The five akimbo officers are still akimbo. “Ah here’s a special forces police BMW 3 series arriving. Bla bla.” A car drives by. 

Sky News. 7.05pm. “And now two long wheelbase Ford Transit’s normally used for crowd control. Oh we’re now going to live pictures from the scene. Apparently behind the bushes on the left is the man resembling Mr Moat. You can see an officer holding a yellow tazer T2000and the officer in the blue T shirt and body armour appears to be talking to someone, possibly the man holding a gun to his own head. He probably looks like this.” Newsman makes gesture to camera.

Sky News. 7.35pm. “I think, yes, I’m pretty sure I see, yes this is one of the new Land Rover three litre turbo diesels, DXT300 pursuit vehicles. 220 break horsepower with a beautiful beige dash. The driver’s wearing a light pink short-sleeved shirt. I think you can just make it out. Ah they’ve just flashed up a Google image of where we think the incident is occurring, less than a mile from where I’m standing. You can see the bushes quite clearly in that shot. Oh and a picture of Mr Moat obviously a muscular man and an, oh my god look at that haircut! I’m sorry but that haircut says it all... What do you mean that went out, I thought you were supposed to be showing his two year old holiday video.”

Big Brother. 7.45pm. Quiff boy suggests England’s late 1930’s foreign policy was a mistake. This goes down like Moat man’s Mohecan with Afghanistan survivor, most of who’s relatives died in it. OK I know Quiff boy wouldn’t stand a chance but maybe on balance Big Brother would be better with guns. I mean they had us watching five barely moving akimbo police officers for over an hour. Lets face it, when program makers are strapped for cash, if showing a well stocked fish tank to the sound of warfare will keep audiences glued to the screen that can’t be bad. I'm thinking give that psychic German octopus his own program, and while I'm at it, bring back Muffin the Mule; I loved Muffin the Mule.