The Result. Not.

Well here I am, 8am watching the election keen to bring you a mouse’s opinion. In the real world I woke up needing a pee. David Dimblybe is beginning to slur, he must really need a pee by now unless the BBC’s fitted him with a bag. So the electorate have decisively voted for change according to the Conservatives; they’ve got 2 million more votes than Labour. But that’s proportional representation, which we don’t have yet and they’re against it anyway. So they’re all disappointed one way or another because the zeitgeist has proved, through our wonderful voting system, that ‘we’ all want them to be disappointed. If the electorate have ‘decisively voted for change’ that change is a clear message of, “Grow UP! We want honest cooperation.” I’ve never seen so many people with quite worrying mental difficulties. If one is to believe what’s coming out of their mouths they’re suffering from a sort of political autism (def: ‘an abnormal absorption with the self; marked by communication disorders and short attention span and inability to treat others as people’); a defendant in the dock who’s quite unaware he’s lying through his teeth to get a result even when it’s blatantly obvious to everyone else. It’s the expenses scandal all over again only this time it’s about the fundamental honesty of political rhetoric. It looks like none of the three major parties in any permutation can construct a majority so maybe the single Green in Brighton will hold the balance of power. And all the queues at polling stations due to ‘the surprisingly high student turnout.’ Hasn’t anyone told them any self-respecting student doesn’t go out before 10? To get the student vote you have to open 12 till 2 like Late Shopper. And preferably serve beer, fags and munchies. And a banana. (balanced diet) So as the [X] Factor of politics rumbles to the end of its tediously long season Nick comes third (like everyone thought Will Young would come second), Cameron comes first (like everyone thought Gareth Gates would), and the winner (like everyone knows is Simon Cowel) is Jeremy Paxman. Result.