Jewish History at a glance.

I’ve just got a special Valentines Day e-mail from Screwfix. (an online DIY tools supplier) Sorry Screwfix, Mothermouse would not be enamoured by a Wylex Consumer Unit even if it does include a pack of ten 13amp double sockets and five free MCBs. Where was I? Oh yes, Jews. I’ve got nothing against Jewish people apart from the Acidic Jews whose dress code seems to be derived from a 1950’s copy of the Beano. For the life of me I can’t picture the tribes of Palestine 4,000 years ago in bowler hats. But credit where it’s due, Judaism has motored on past umpteen rises and falls of other empires and always contributed far more to human civilisation than their numbers might suggest; a great tribute to the powers of matriarchy, as the definition of Jewishness is based on whether your mother was Jewish. So they’re basically one big family founded on the pushy mothers side. This makes the Jewish psyche complicated. Do they listen to their Jewish God or their Jewish mother?  While God was allotting the Israelites their Promised Land their mothers were saying, “I know my boy but I tell you, think of the banking opportunities in New York.” So it came to pass they all left and became hedge fund managers in Goldman Sachs and God was well miffed as his Promised Land was left to squatters for 3,000 years. As we all know this also, much later, got right up Hitler’s nose as their diaspora took hold and he couldn’t pay his tailors bill and had trouble getting a mortgage on a property in Berchtesgaden. Instead of saving up as you and I might do, he found an altogether more harmful way of solving his problem. As a result the Jewish people were upset and wanted to go home. But the squatters had made themselves right at home in the intervening 2,000 years. Well you would wouldn’t you? Anyway God in the form of the UN created Israel in 1947. Now I may be accused of bias but I would be upset if someone turned me out of my house on the grounds their great, great, great grandparents used to live there many years ago and chosen to leave it to pursue a career in international banking. Not only that but when I generously let them live in the top floor they started camping out in the lounge. So boys, believe in a supernatural being if you like , but for God sake never listen to your mother.