Cheese.

Apparently Stiffmouse is the father of a son whose longstanding girlfriend mouse is the daughter of another mother or father mouse who is the sister or brother of the mice who have just won £56million on the lottery. That’s CHEESE mouse followers! Yes, ‘family values’ have just taken on a whole new meaning. Caring and sharing is the backbone, the hub, the veritable block thingies in the centre of arches that holds them all up, the pivoting kingpin cornerstone, the very bedrock and foundations of British family life. And by family I don’t just mean those tied together by holy wedlock and bedlock but also those close and tender relationships with certain family members that are, how can I put it, just as economically meaningful. I of course don’t know the mice concerned from Adamouse but my heart feels so close to them in their moment of joy I feel like inviting them on holiday with us. At a time like this one must see past sordid, self-serving avarice and consider their plight. They will feel isolated, lonely and in need of true, selfless friends who aren’t interested in such a whopping amount: an amount of cheese in fact so large that no one or two mice on their own could eat. No, my heart goes out to them. They will be inundated with cheese advisors, insurance, pension and inheritance planning mice who will help them pass on their cheese free of cheese tax. Don’t listen to them; they will make your cheese a complex, worrisome burden. Extra cheese is best used to make life simpler, more fun and more fulfilling. Go go-kart racing. In fact invite your niece’s boymouse’s father along. All mice together, eh! That’s the spirit. Or buy Belize. I can see it now, “Belize for Cheese,” the mouse Mecca of the Caribbean. Turf out the Belizians and fill it with cheese eaters. Sorry I’m getting dizzy.