Amusement park shopping.

Each week as Sainsburys divests you of £100 plus it’s worth remembering their unheralded provision of amusement park facilities. As well as the previously mentioned trolley riding and mobile phone micro theatre there are many more. There’s the straightforward trolley tossing and the advanced long range and over the shoulder tosses for which Mothermouse is justly proud. Frozen lamb joints and loose vegetables are best avoided while small packets of mozzarella are perfect for the beginner. Men have been known to try twelve packs of Grolch but it’s not generally advisable. Isle to isle tosses are Olympic level and I personally haven’t had the courage but imagine they must require careful planning if premature expulsion is to be avoided.  Then there’s peek-a-boo the elderly. Thursday’s always a good day. Old people, being ugly and generally undesirable, lead lonely lives that can be brightened up no end by total strangers gleefully lunging from behind end caps. Here again caution is needed. They can be surprisingly feisty, and of course croak, so good judgment is called for. Making trolley toddlers cry when their mums aren’t looking is not on; it’s hard enough shopping with an indiscriminate shelf snatcher, but their noises can be endearing. For example an angelic eighteen month old made a perfect, “plrucgh” today which brought me great amusement. Asking young, fresh faced assistants for ‘cartyres’ is another one. What? “Cartyres love.” When they look confused back this up with, “in tomato sauce dearie”. If they look like giving in early prolong with, “Well I bought some here last week. They were next to the Alaskan Coffee.” Best to depart when they leave to find their supervisor. General lusting over the young and nubile is of course always very pleasant, provided it is kept within bounds. Hope these ideas enliven your next trolley trundle. Next week, tech talk in B&Q.