Looking Back.

I’ve just been wondering how I’ve changed over the years. Looking back at old photos, trying to remember etc I don’t think I have much. I mean the I that I am was pretty much in place when I was ten, and a lot of that was what I was born with. So in terms of personal progress forget it, I’ve been dweebling around on the eddies of circumstance unchanged for seventy years. Sure I’d like to claim a little increase in maturity but even that feels a little dubious. No I’m a prefabricated building ageing with the weather, losing paint and guttering rather than adding to it. I mean I’d like to lay claim to some improvement, but what? I think it’s ‘in relationship’. I’m more in relationship with circumstance, be it things, people, events and even myself. There’s less fear, less drama and from that comes easier meetings. And the drama and fear are the result of holding some quintessential honesty at bay. So am I more honest than I used to be? Yes? Well no not really. So what then? I’m struggling here, have I been a complete waste of time? Ah there’s a glimmer there. Surely I haven’t just got better at wasting time? OK I want to say no but yes in a funny way. I did used to waste time badly by not relating but now I’m somehow better at it. I still meander in a wasting time sort of way but I waste a lot less time doing it badly. So there you have it, my seventy-year personal progress, wasting time more productively by losing fear and drama to be more in relationship with everything. And the ‘I’? Well that’s just me.