Teresa F May.

Look it’s bloody cold this morning, my desk is cold, my mouse is cold, I’m cold and I’d still be in bed if I hadn’t needed a pee. I am not best pleased with my bladder. And then Teresa F May explains, “something only we conservatives understand” in her bid to stab colleague Cameron in the back and ‘take one down for Maggie.’ She began by stating her deeply held public service aspirations to help, care for, support and succour every hapless inhabitant of her country in terms that would make the Mother of the same name blush, and then added, “ but it’s much more than that”, as if intimating Jesus may have been a jolly nice chap but not of the calibre required to lead the Conservative Party. The bitch went on, “we know you can’t help people by handing out money, they must learn to help themselves.” No doubt she had bankers in mind here as the illuminating stars in the night sky over Bethlehem, but in my parlance the message is far more succinct. “You unfortunates can fuck off.” Obviously her concept of ‘service’ in her devoutly held principles of public service is more akin to the shafting of a plethora of cows by the farmers prize bull as in “get them sponging vagrants out of my stable.” But lets assume she’s right, benefit of the doubt and all that, how might the poor help themselves? Obviously squatting’s a start if you’re pregnant, homeless and can’t afford a room at a Holiday Inn but lets really think outside the box. Well there’s shop lifting, drug dealing, bank robbing, car theft just for starters, and if Ms May and the Conservatives are serious about helping us learn to help ourselves they could put on courses in pilfering, perjury, robbery, breaking and entering and for advanced students, manipulating the Libor rate. To be honest I don’t think Teresa Fucking May has really thought this through.