Bring Back Fur.

Mothermouse and I are now looking back at Christmas as a high point of hyperactivity. We’re fondly remembering trips in the car to far-flung places like Waitrose and Sainsbury’s, days when we used to get up in the morning and get dressed. Honestly we’ve now got more bird food in the house than human, and cat food supplies aren’t far behind. We’re centrally heated mice looking after our cousins out in the cold. That said our cat cousins are still hell bent on eating our bird cousins, which confuses one’s conscience somewhat. It’s a scary thought that us humans couldn’t swap places with any animal for more than half an hour in this weather. I mean without central heating, a nearby supermarket and the internet how do they survive? It’s my contention that Homo erectus is wrongly named. We should have been called Homo-hairless because the amazing brain development that typifies our species is far more the result of being bloody cold due to a major outbreak of alopecia than being able to vertically unbend. I can just imagine gorillas laughing their socks off at this new bread of hairless scraggy chimps only able to survive by setting light to anything they can lay their hands on and living in caves. And can you imagine the ignominy of losing our hair. I remember seeing a hairless cat once and it brought all the memories flooding back. If ever there was a case of an inferiority complex spurring on a complete species into shouting, “we’ll show the fuckers.” And now a million years later it’s only right we support the other animals that’ve continued on in equanimity merely from the good fortune of retaining their fur and feather tog values. Especially as we’ve practiced insecticide, bird-icide and basically any-creature-that’s-not-us-icide. And well a fair amount of us-icide as well come to think of it. If science is so great the best thing it could do would be to motivate our follicles into producing a nice thick glossy fur coat again. We’d be so much happier and content not having to rely on British Gas.