My BAFTA Speech.

I find the most difficult thing about preparing a BAFTA speech is deciding which category to win: Actor, writer, director or lifetime achievement? I did that last year but it had a hint of has-been about it so this year I’ll be winning… Well actually I first thought best actress but as it’s become androgynous and I only wanted it for the dress I’ve gone for best actor, in a dress. Well I say dress but that’s tranny, I just mean not a black bloody suit. I like red. I’d say blue but it’s a difficult colour. It goes straight from too dark to wishy-washy, so it’s red, bright but on the deep side. Tight full length sleeves on a lose jacket over a tight burgundy, no make that charcoal, t-shirt, close neck probably with a zip at the back to get it on. Below, thigh length matching trouser-ets over charcoal leggings and dark blue plain shoes, possibly converse. Now the role? OK I’m a guitarist in a little know seventies glam rock group who around thirty, I’ll need makeup, realises everything is. He tells people this amazing revelation but they just say yeh and smile. He says, “No everything is, get it?” Still nothing. Anyway it goes on like that bla bla. It’s shot in Hamburg. Then the speech. The usual thanks, I might do a twirl at some point, and then say doing the part opened my eyes to the fact that everything is. OK there’s a little laughter but on the whole I think they get it. That would be amazing. I walk off clutching my award arm in arm with Jessie J, who I know is a lezzy but what the hell I love her. Then back to my seat next to Robert Downey Jr. He says, “You’re right everything is just is isn’t it.” Always thought he was a bright guy.