How to be the Centre of Attention.

Right now you’re probably thinking along traditional lines, telling jokes at a party, singing ‘I did it her way’ or disrobing due to surfeit of alcohol. Of course old school always works but TV has rendered them a bit samie what with East Enders and Big Brother etc. It’s all a bit keeping up with the Kardasians who, though I haven’t seen it, are probably congenitally programmed to grab the spotlight of one’s awareness like an oncoming drunk driver. But there are more subtle ways. Last week at Spirit Camp I decided to wear a mini skirt. It felt delightful, very free and flappy compared with the masculine tubes of shorts and jeans. It may sound feminine but, as I realised later, it was close to the look of the Indian braves I used to shoot as a kid; both apropos the occasion and decidedly macho. And it caused me much attention especially from women, who, instinctively knowing the greater availability offered by a skirt, took to sexually harassing me. Luckily as the gender roles were reversed it was mutually pleasurable rather than grounds for prosecution. But there’s an even subtler way to be the centre of attention. Buy a pair of reading glasses and leave the little sticker on showing the strength. Honestly it’s like moths to a flame. People have been queuing up to tell me I’ve left the sticker on. “I know!” I’ve had to explain countless times I bought two pairs, ‘2’ and another ‘2.5’ and to know which was which I’ve left the sticker on. It’s simple enough but no, it causes attention like you wouldn’t believe. I tell you if Paris Hilton ever appeared with a sticker on her glasses she’d break twitter and when Madonna wants to make a come back, forget the ice-cream cone bras girl, leave the sticker on your glasses!