Hail Helen the Swan.

Look away now if you don’t spend your Sat&Sun evenings watching, “I’m a Celeb on X Factor get me out of Match of the Day, Garry.” Well it appears God in the form of the GBP is hard at work. We’ve let Ella go which really pissed off the judges and proves Big G will always confound our expectations, and kept in Rylan in the hidden hope that if he wins he’ll actually explode with emotion, wail loud enough to usher in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and drown Essex in a flood of day-glow orange tears. And we’ve kept punishing Helen with Bush-tucker trials until she’s finally experienced the greatest joy of her life so far. She shunned words and hugs of encouragement, didn’t mention ‘doing her best’ and engaged grim determination for the first time ever, and won twelve stars! Mothermouse did a dance and we both shed a tear of joy with her and her camp-mates, who would finally eat a meal of wallaby elbows after days of her failures and their hungers. To witness someone re-writing their script of constant failure by a huge success is a profound delight. It proves Mothermouse’s quote that “reality always wins” over our puny programming. It’s why I still get a lump in my throat when I hear, “a swan? Me a swan?” So lets all sing together the hymn to self-actualisation. “I’m not such an ugly duckling with feathers all stubby and brown. In fact in the words of me as a bird, chlick, the best in town. Chlick the best, chlick chlick, the best, chlick chlick the best in town.” Feels good doesn’t it. Oh and Man U and Chelsea lost.