Mhairi Black

Mhairi Black the youngest, most eloquent and intelligent MP we, well the Scottish, have, gave a talk on the workings of the house. It is ludicrous to the point of demensure. Imagine talking to an ageing once important man, Trump for example. He carries in his skull a mountain of arrogance, the ignorance not to question it and the social aplomb to counter any argument, aplomb based merely on the fact he made the rules before you were born. Imagine now that you are meeting this once important man in an asylum, he the King of Chipping Sodbury and Holy Roman emperor of the Caching Dynasty. He patiently explains he is experienced in matters concerning this establishment and that you must follow a squirrel into the division lobby for lunch. You are now as furious, frustrated and flummoxed as Mhairi Black. You are vital, have a working brain and supposed you were here to work for the better governance of Britain, but how when mired in so many nonsensical delusions can you bring about any progress whatsoever? Probably by giving talks to people at large about this none functioning cuckoo’s nest. “My dear girl we were all like you at your age. A chap I knew at Eaton supported Keir Hardie! But we all have to learn the rules, Black Nob hitting the woolsack three times with a tennis racket, that sort of thing, or we’d lose our ancient power over poor people as given to us by Charles II after we posthumously executed Oliver Cromwell.” “Posthumously executed?” “Well he’d already died so we dug him up and hanged him.” “Da ya ney know you’re all grossly overmedicated fools in here so you are.” “If it was good enough for King Charles it’s good enough for us young lady. You’d do well to remember that.” “And you’d dey well ti remember, ya wee southern shite, that I’m a lesbian an proud Scot so I am, an I’ll throw your meds down the loo so I will.” “Nannyeeeeee!”

A Plan for Local Democracy.

I proposed this several years ago but now I think it’s a necessity. Our government, or at least the way we choose members of parliament, is not fit for purpose. The Tories unreconcilable division over Brexit leaves the whole country rudderless. We need a viable alternative to our entrenched party system. We need to reconnect democracy to its roots, provide a way for grass roots voters to choose the best of the best among ourselves. We need human and intellectual quality not divisive vested interests. With that in mind this is what I propose. A constituency is roughly 50,000 voters living within a localised area. That area is divided into say 3,000 postcodes each covering less than 20 households all within a 50-yard radius. It would be relatively easy for an independent action group in a constituency to use the electoral roll combined with postcodes to deliver an information pack to one person in each postcode. This pack would outline the philosophy and procedure for choosing a ‘local democratic’ candidate. This person either actions the pack or passes it along the addresses until another person chooses to. This person delivers printed information sheets to his/her 19 neighbours with a date for a meeting at their house. This in itself would provide a chance for improved neighbourliness and involvement, albeit minimal, in the political process. The sole purpose of the meeting is to get to know each other in order to vote for one person to represent the group in terms of their personal qualities of intellect, fairness, humanity etc. At this stage the person is simply the group’s best representative. This procedure is repeated for clusters of 10 postcodes. In this way 50,000 becomes say 3,000, which becomes 300. The procedure is repeated but with the people going forward willing to consider the roll of MP. The final meeting of 30 will be extended so that the representatives can form an informed view of each other in particular the say 5 who choose to be potential candidates. The person chosen will be recognised as the best peoples’ choice, which gives him/her a solid platform of credibility. At the same time the various local action groups will join forces to promote these candidates at a national level via social and other media. There not will of course be a hundred percent participation but it will work at any level. The costs involved given all involved are volunteers would be minimal and easily covered by a local collection. The result is a viable political candidate holding the constituency’s respect as a capable person with no wider vested commercial or party interests. It would stimulate neighbourliness and connect people to the political process by creating a tree of connections in which each constituent is only five connections away from the candidate. It could in time eradicate professional politicians that currently hold power irrespective of general elections.

My Brexit Strategy.

“David we must get out of the EU, in 2019 they’re introducing financial rules that will decimate our off-shore funds. I have an idea. Call a referendum immediately, you’ve told the electorate you would.” “But I might lose it.” “That’s the point, we will lose it. I’ve already talked to Cambridge Analytica. They’ve got a Facebook campaign planned and have lots of call centre capacity. Forget Leave we’re going to call it Brexit it’s more sexy. We’ll set up official campaigns with great slogans. We can promise anything because we’re not governed by normal election rules.” “But where does that leave me I’m supposed to be for Remain?” “You just pretend to fight for Remain and if it goes our way you just resign, you’ve had your turn at PM, take a long holiday, disappear for a bit. Also it must be a straight in out race no two thirds majority, anything like that. No need to make it binding because when we win we can just bang on about following the will of the people. Advisory sounds better than binding anyway. It gives people a chance to put a finger up at us. That’s the beauty of it. By voting against us they’ll be doing what we want. I love it.” “So who’ll take over as PM?” “It doesn’t matter. I mean not one of us.” “Really!” “No, so long as we hold the power we can drive it through. No it’s better the PM is a Remainer.” “You think it’ll work?” “Sure.” “But what about the country?” “Look all our money is outside the UK, sure the economy will tank but it won’t affect us. Or would you rather be discredited, possibly jailed and get a humongous tax bill? Think of the children old boy.”

Hi I’m Alexa, how may I help you?

I won’t be buying an Alexa bot. On ‘Word of mouth’ an expert on social bots, Head of Conversational Linguistics no less, explained how they worked and how amazing they will become. The worrying thing was he sounded like one, not his voice his brain. Whilst I yearn for grumpy bots, funny bots, even Conservative bots I can swear at his conversation was pre-programmed to be informative, passive and agreeable, and well all the things that would drive me away from a conversation at a party. I worked on a swearing vulture twenty years ago, I didn’t sell it, but it was way more enjoyable than, “Yes Gordon. They contain 57% unsaturated fats. Do you have any other questions about peanuts? Or were you referring to the cartoon by Charles M. Schmultz that ran from October 2, 1950, to February 13, 2000?The H of CL mentioned an early version had to be axed after being hacked to say deplorable sexist remarks. Yes you TWAT that’s what humans find entertaining! That’s why we talk to each other! It’s frightening how quickly a human brain can learn to think algorithmically. Watch a clip of Mark Zuckerberg giving evidence here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zCDvOsdL9Q If he’s the new face of human social interaction I’m glad I’m 74. It’s simple. The human brain is far more sophisticated than any AI so it has way more capacity to adapt to AI than AI has to adapt to the human brain. So the direction of adaptation will be towards AI. The H of CL and Mark Zuckerberg are compelling evidence of this. I’m beginning to notice a new category of bad habits I need to avoid.

I Am Racist.

Listening to a recent conversation that ran along racist lines I had to concede some made valid points but all felt the need to sign off with, “but I’ll not racist.” Absolutely because ‘being racist’ is currently the greatest slur on a persons character one could impute. As a result there is an unspeakable prohibition to all things black, white, coloured and squinty eyed, or any form of racial differences. It’s a sort of Pandora’s box we have managed to close, and everyone knows it’s opening the thing that is where the danger lies. Nobody talks about the danger of closing it. But like all prohibitions life goes on underneath. So now we all have feelings we dare not talk about that cloud as in the closed off feted atmosphere of a smoking den. What should I say? Personally I do discriminate between African and Irish, Japanese and French, even you and him. Over the years my mind has formed experiential templates that however easily overruled by acquaintance still exist. I’m sexist and even bird-ist preferring blackbirds to starlings with a soft spot for Robins. I have a very different template for the Israeli government than I have for the Jewish people. The list goes on. For me the unredeemable slur of these ‘ists’ has gone too far. They damage public debate and the public mind almost as much as the blinkered doctrinaire indiscriminate racism they were created to overcome. I doubt I’m alone in having experiential templates for every race under the sun but we English have become so scared of expressing the evidence of our own experience we are in danger of losing who we are and what we stand for.

My Syrian Statement.

The situation in Syria is appalling. Not for the first time Asad has used chlorine gas against his own people. We reach that conclusion, firstly because he would profit from it, and secondly because he refuses outside investigation that could prove it. This is a war crime and Asad will at some future time be called accountable. No western action will be taken because we have no legal right to intervene militarily but condemn in the strongest possible terms Asad’s use of chlorine gas. We recognise Russia is assisting Asad and any intervention would risk the escalation of the conflict but are surprised in Russia’s apparent support and condoning of Asad’s war crime. If Russia continues to block outside investigation of Asad’s actions we can only assume Mr Putin might also be accused of aiding a war crime. We do not consider that an appropriate course of action for a member of the UN. To resolve this situation and avoid further disastrous escalation we would like to see Russia reconsider their unqualified support for Asad. Whilst we recognise Russia’s right to pursue a foreign policy we might not like when we see that policy as not living up to internationally agreed humanitarian standards we also have the right to condemn it, not only for the people of Syria but also by implication other states affected by it and ultimately the people of Russia herself. Those internationally agreed standards are not a matter of opinion they are the hard lessons learnt from our joint history of conflicts where certain actions lead to resolution, happiness and prosperity and others to hostility, warfare and destruction. Our current choice to not oppose Asad and Russia is not made from weakness, but to remember those lessons of history so horrifically played out in Syria thus far. 

Tories Fake Facebook.

Whilst Cambridge Analytica and AIQ continue to assert they've never heard of each other and have done no paid or unpaid work for the Brexit arm of the Conservative Party with regard to window cleaning, hoovering and drain clearance it is their wholly owned subsidiary, Tinglytot Baskets Ltd, that has come under suspicion. Originally set up in the fifties by Edward Heath’s black sheep brother Harry Tots, Tinglytot Baskets was the erstwhile bastion of innocent relief for MPs living away from their wife and family after hard days debating for their beloved country. Stiffmouse News can now reveal that Tinglytot’s has though moved into new areas. After their success with internet porn, jointly owned by Russian oligarch Vladimir Bollockoff, Tinglytot’s has made use of Cambridge Analytica’s pointless and of no commercial value whatsoever software to set up hundreds of fake Facebook accounts claiming to represent the Jew-hating anti-Semitic arm of the Labour Party. Throughout February we followed Svetlana Blum, Michael Gove’s au pair, and Boris Johnson’s niece, Ursula Mountbatten to their local internet café in Bloomsbury. Why we asked would two beautiful women frequently spend hours typing? Our surveillance expert took this screen shot (not shown here for copyright reasons) of Svetlana working on the ‘Labour Party against filthy Jewish Scum’ Facebook page. When challenged she said her eyesight was bad and she thought it was a gardening catalogue. When asked about Tinglytot Basket’s role in the Brexit referendum she denied any knowledge saying, “Vot ist Brecshit? I am merely a simple Ukrainian exile taking refuge in your vunderful country. Mister Gove is a warm and genuine human being, I think he works for the council.” Ursula, an ‘actress’ from Tinglytot’s earlier internet success, said she was Skyping her brother in Palestine. So there you have it. Are these two beautiful young women lying or is the Labour Party a hot bed of radical racism? You decide.