Putin Bombs Music.

In lockdown I turned to Youtube to improve my music education. People like Rick Beato and Adam Neely are amazing (human) musicians with an honest desire to pass on musical knowledge. They are now both livid (my word) at Universal Music Corporation who police their ownership rights by taking down any video containing snippets of existing players and songs in a Putin-esc land grab for territory. Their weapons are algorithms that analyse audio to spot facsimiles. At college I read textbooks from our long history of scientists and mathematicians daily but as music exists as sound, once it stops there’s nothing, silence. Great players, singers and song writers exist in their performances and without hearing those leaves a huge hole in education. And UMC’s algorithms aren’t perfect either. But Universal Music Corporation has a bank of lawyers and money enough to kill any counter claims, the other weapon in their armoury. Like libel law these two weapons in combination become unchallengeable to lesser mortals. This will become the universal powerlessness of us all. Forget government and the law they’re outdated and hopelessly slow being human based. An algorithm will have you in court quicker than your solicitor can pick up a pen and who’ll likely advise you have zero chance of winning anyway and losing will take everything you own. We humans are already behind the curve and it can only get worse. Aspiring musicians will not be allowed to hear these works in an educational context and without it know only the basic rudiments and create our future music in that fashion. Already current music is unengaging, elevator music’s elevator music and it’s likely future music will be created by algorithms to avoid paying a (human) creator’s royalties. It’s a farcical example of shooting oneself in the foot when the Universal Music Corporation curates the universal death of music. I’m livid too.

The Faustian Pact.

Just been watching Sajid Javid responding to questions on Good Morning. He remained implacable throughout, each answer considered and positive with no trace of emotion. He was a steamroller in its lowest gear flattening the road ahead applying a resolute glaze over whatever lumpy detritus in his path, be it human, animal, vegetable or mineral. To some eyes he might have looked statesmanlike consummately capable of re-framing every question and awkward fact into a pleasant still life of apples and peaches lit by his very own pink spotlight. But there was a giveaway. Still lifes take time to assemble and light appropriately. It’s only one to two seconds, the time of a possibly necessary intake of breath, but you can see it happening if you look closely. The eyes still to a wide open glaze as items are internally rearranged for the right effect, like a deck of cards where every fourth needs to be an ace. Once placed animation returns and the deck played. There is no truth, no real response in the silent placing of cards. One knows the trick, the corruption, but the slight of hand in the mind is never provable. (black is white in certain lights) “If we all just keep saying positive things over and over again with not the slightest hint there is any other truth it will work”, and it will, like nursery rhymes to children. Ask them where did Jack and Jill go? And they will all shout, “up the hill”, and we will smile and say, “Exactly.” But we must never tell them the truth of what we really think. This is the commitment, the bargain. If you can’t you must leave. Of course this is a Faustian pact but it will underpin our success. We will succeed as the world about us fails; we wouldn’t want it any other way.

Our Brains Will Kill Us.

In the last 5 minutes you may have walked downstairs, made a cup of tea and drunk it. Do you remember the precise actions all this took? Finger in handle of cup/support with lower finger/thumb on top/ bend elbow 30 degrees etc etc? All this goes on with hardly any conscious thought, your only conscious thought is ‘I want to drink the tea.’ Your brain/muscles connection takes care of all the rest. It’s incredible but, well it’s as simple as drinking tea. Our conscious thoughts, our ‘I’, are the tip of an iceberg and it’s well proven they’re up to two seconds out of date. What ‘was’ decided two seconds ago arrives into our consciousness as hot news two seconds later. So where and how was that decision originally made? It’s often likened to a front office manager controlling a large super conscientious back office operation, and, like all such structures, suffers from bad judgement and meddling. Over the millennia the human brain has grown this front office operation tremendously like any corporation. It’s devised technologies, weapons, levels of deviousness, even it’s own electronic equivalent, AI, and created all manner of mental ill health. Yet we lord it as ‘I’ like we might an oligarch and demean what the back office does, until we perhaps acquire a spinal injury. Our world and the world has changed dramatically for the worse as a result, even to the point of some sort of global extinction. This is alarming and usually put down to malignant individuals like Putin, Hitler, politicians and countless profit and power seekers but never down to their brain development and the malignancy of their ‘I’. People have railed over the ‘I’ of wealth and the ‘I’ of power but as societies we have put nothing in place to limit them. The ‘I’ of their conscious thoughts in these cases reigns supreme and is able to indulge itself almost limitlessly. Their back office might put forward post-it notes of empathy, limitation, gratitude and the virtues of fairness but all will be returned unread. Now, like climate change, we have a limited number of years to rectify this. I hope we do otherwise the ‘I’s that we count as ourselves will put paid to the rest of us.

The Art of Clowning.

Went to Cabaret Boom Boom last night. Thanks to Mothermouse’s immaculate planning we got the front and centre table of a packed village hall, at least it would have been if it wasn’t in the middle of Sheffield. It started erratically with a young woman dressed as a potato, a woman creating her dream date from an assortment of vegetables and a guy shooting a bat from a cannon whilst riding a kids trike clean off the stage; the sort of performances if you didn’t enter into them you’d be left outside a Siberian sauna shivering to death. At one point the potato, deep in its depressed character, stepped down from the stage and asked Mothermouse what it should do. Mothermouse, possibly the only therapist in the room and very used to such a question, was so flummoxed by this novel empathic relationship with a potato she could do little more than whisper, “I don’t know.” Then the professional acts. An excellent violinist who, at 6’3” and obviously way too tall for any orchestra string section, had opted for the more lucrative career of stand up playing, for which he was more adequately proportioned. He required a stooge and alighted on me as a fellow musician. I like the stage and done some clowning so settled into the second fiddle absent minded gullible member of the audience, a role for which I too am adequately proportioned. The crowd laughed and four gins to the wind Mothermouse was in tears; possibly in relief knowing I’m prone to butt-clenching flights of public failure. Intermission. Top of the bill was a comedian juggler. He too picked on me several times and took to calling me Allen because he thought I looked like Allen Titchmarsh. By this time I’d been on stage almost as long as a support act. As he took his bow to rapturous applause in nothing but a skimpy pink tutu, long story, he thanked Allen. Big mistake. The back of the room erupted with shouts of “It’s Brian”. So he ended up having to say, “I know it’s Brian, I was just making a joke that he looked like Allen Titchmarsh.” Walkley Community Hall might be five miles from where we live but in Sheffield we look after our own. And today my name is better known there than here. Very strange, and honestly I’ve played my own music gigs and left with about as much recognition as a fart in the night. So as Covid begins to leave us do value our entertainers. Not the TV ones, the ones with the craft to do it live in front of a live audience and give them a good night out.

Kate Clanchy

Kate Clanchy wrote 'Some Kids I Taught and What They Taught Me' to rave reviews and an Orwell prize. Later three fellow writers complained about her use of dehumanising, ableist and racist language. Clanchy’s 30 years of teaching was to special needs and immigrant children who quickly came to her defence as having a hugely beneficial influence on their lives. Twitter lines were set for stormy weather and her publisher washed his hands of her to keep them clean. But real life is messy and those that indulge in it learn to love by accepting people that way. Clean hands don’t make people laugh, they leave them untouched. Worse they turn one’s meagre fragments of pride into shame. If I’m proud to be Afghan, look as I do and struggle with what others find easy what am I to think when someone says that shouldn’t be said? Only that they must be shameful. And being able and sharing that ability to those less so, by being labelled ‘ableist’ my efforts are also made shameful. It’s a cast of mind to have clean hands. That all with the smallest mote, a faulty fingernail, are beneath you. How comforting. For the past five years I’ve volunteered at a day centre for socially challenged people. We’re a totally mixed bunch but come together as equals. I would never give names but my descriptions would be as lovingly forthright as Ms Clanchy’s, they wouldn’t want it any other way. I know nothing of the literary world but wish Kate Clanchy well, and to add one more ‘ist’ to the already too long list. I suggest, ‘perfection-ist’; one who wish to expunge messy reality in the name of their own perception of perfection.

Bogis Jonsern’s Court Appearance.

S.Yorkshire Magistrates court, 2-2-2022, Bogis Jonsern, theft of motor vehicle. Did you steal a motor vehicle on the said date? No sir. Were you in Upton Street on the afternoon in question? No sir. May I remind you we have photographic evidence that you were? Ah I didn’t realise that sir. Maybe I was then. But only for five minutes sir. Oh you remember that? Oh yes sir. And were refreshments involved? I don’t remember that sir but we was outside the pub you know. So people were drinking then? It’s possible your honour. And you were? No no sir. I was just there to congratulate the boys on a job they just done. I was only there five minutes. I realise that. And in that time did you steal the vehicle in question? No sir. I think I thought it was an ambulance, or maybe a pram. May I remind you we have footage of you driving said vehicle away. Ah well yes and no. You see my main concern is all the good work I do, helping the elderly and generally levelling up our community. And what does that mean, levelling up? Well it’s like the football pitch in Upton Park. We always take the high end cos it’s not level. If the pitch isn’t level you always grab the up end. And that’s levelling up? Exactly. It’s giving people opportunities init. So you did steal the motor vehicle. I may have driven it but that’s not stealing is it. I may have been helpfully driving it home for someone too pissed to drive it, give them an opportunity for a few more bevvies. That I’m afraid doesn’t wash. Alright I’m really really sorry OK and I’ll never do that thing ever again. Can I go now? I’m afraid being sorry is no defence in law Mr Jonsern. But sir I’ve got a wife and er well several children to support. Again the law isn’t concerned about that. I’m afraid I find you guilty. Six months custodial. And may I remind you next time, and I’m pretty sure there will be a next time, it would help the court considerably if you could be far more honest and forthcoming. Think of it as levelling up, you know as a human being.

Alternative Boris Response.

“The gatherings referred to by the opposition as boozy parties did occur and I was present. I sanctioned them for respite from months of hard work and long days. Work that didn’t make the news, isn’t glorious but has been none the less vital and stressful. Even in No10 moral needs to be maintained. To set these events against the anguish and sorrow of people dying unable to be with their loved ones is to set up a surreal Punch and Judy show, a cartoon black and white picture of good and bad that is not the case. The opposition and the media make me extremely angry and frankly disgusted by people who choose to capitalise on this spurious juxtaposition for personal gain. Would you begrudge a doctor after a 12 hours shift having a pint with his fellow colleagues or a nurse sharing her stress with friends? No. We all have stress after two long years of this life changing pandemic. My team at No10 is no different and I make no apology for these events. These are my views and I will gladly continue or resign on the basis of them.” Boris’s actual speech and demeanour was very different. He seems unable to respond in anything other than what he learnt as a pupil caught smoking behind the bike sheds. First deny knowing anything, then deny being there, then suggesting it was some sort of misguided lung experiment and finally a pathetic apology based on a bigger boy making him do it. Boris is unfit for office not because of these meeting but because he hasn’t progressed from the age of twelve, where ‘his truth’ is telling you what he’d like you to believe. He hasn’t the courage to be honest or the guts and guile to fight his corner. He is not an adult.