Boxed in Penis Pain.

Twill shortly be fitting a new bathroom in a 1970’s house. What is it with these people? Everyone knows taps don’t ‘make’ water and loos don’t vaporise wee and poo into an alternative dimension, they’re all connected by pipes to the supply and the sewage system, yet the sight of a naked pipe is as much an anathema as seeing Gandhi’s genitals when his toga or whatever it is is blown skyward like Marilyn Munroe’s dress. Where in old houses waste and soil pipes are on the outside showing a pride of purpose the designers of this 70’s house boxed them in on the inside hoping to prove to anyone stupid enough to believe that they don’t exist. And I’m guessing even now if I leave a visible pipe anywhere it will require boxing in. Good pipe work is a thing of beauty people and hiding them is a plumber’s pain in the pants. I wanted to say arse but it didn’t begin with p, perhaps penis. It’s a form of denial that’s a sure sign of decadence. It’s like covering your arse-wipe paper with a hand knitted tea cosy. But I guess it’s age. I mean when you’re young your insistence on there actually being a good life overrides any realisation of reality with your favourite beliefs whereas when you’re old and heading for incontinence reality dawns and niceties appear as strange as owning a camel. Hay hoe boxing it is then and bugger the plumber’s penis. Oh and as I'm getting a surprising number of reads in Russia I'd love it one of you could post a comment so i know you're a real person. Thanks.

Human Hearts Lawyer.

OK it should be ‘Rights’ but that’s how it came into my mind and it seems apt. Anyway this crew cut HRL on TED knocked me sideways. Probably the crew cut; it’s hard watching a marine get emotional. Apparently the millions in official poverty, 1$ a day, have fallen considerably but only because it’s not risen with inflation. Allow for that and there’s been no change. So you could say our millions in foreign aid has achieved one thing, inflation. But that’s not what knocked me. His experiences have led him to realise the poor are created by violence. Not wars or racial conflict etc, though there’s enough of them, but day to day violence because there’s no rule of law. Slavery, rape, daily theft and brutality are committed with impunity because there’s no effective policing. The poor have no redress against the violence inflicted on them, and it is this that causes poverty and for the poor to be and remain poor. With the rich being able to afford private security any trickle down effect is not of wealth but violence. What knocked me was our human lack of compassion. Have we really been afforded our greater intellect to create insularity, given free will to create brutality? All animals become brutal when starving or without territory or mate but when satiated they’re not. Are we then the only species incapable of being satiated, who can neglect the plight of the poor for a private yacht or a new bathroom? All the above may have happened in far away Africa but when a woman in Cleveland (USA) phoned the police to say a man was breaking in to rape her and got the reply, “sorry our police don’t work on the weekend, try asking him to go away”, and was raped because of public spending cuts it’s closer to home than we might think. Back to his main point, less than 1% of our overseas aid goes to better policing when it’s the major cause of poverty. But why do that when you can afford private security? 

Fresh Prince of Wolverhampton.

Remember the Fresh Prince of Bellaire? Chicago slum kid in trouble with local gangs gets chance to live with his rich uncle in Hollywood? How we laughed at his streetwise antics in the sober middleclass household. He was bright, lively and they were accepting and supportive, and they all lived happily together except for his cousin Carlton who couldn’t get laid. It was all a perfect solution to his problem; just leave the overcrowded poverty and life threatening violence of his home for the sunny suburban pastures of southern California. Luck for him it didn’t include a boat ride. Lucky for them he didn’t have eight hundred brothers and sisters in the same situation. I don’t know if the program was aired in North Africa but it looks like it as many thousands flee the hunger, poverty and violence of Libya, Chad, Syria and Niger etc for the relative opulence of Europe. Whilst it’s true that much of the violence and poverty in Chicago and North Africa is self-inflicted external factors of depravation and exploitation are the root causes. Corruption, both local and multinational, governmental, sectarian and corporate can reduce a region to its knees and provoke a bitter, angry brutality, a winter of discontent, from which all but the brutal must flee. Fine if it’s Will Smith on his own but 100,000’s? With brutality now endemic in the Middle East and North Africa they could double the European population and destabilise us too. We can’t order the various factions to be nice to each other and we can’t pump in aid because it would be used to support the brutal. It seems to me comfort at least allows reflection and tolerance where extreme hardship fosters hardened beliefs, which in turn foster conflict. My only solution is to create oases in the heart of these regions necessarily defended but acting as beacons of ‘how life could be’ with cooperation, goodwill and honest governance and hope that they act as an antibiotic to this disease of brutality. I guess it’s the ‘good guy in the ghetto’ approach; he can change beliefs. 

How to Write Spiritual Fiction.

This non-residential weekend course, 10 till 4pm, £295 + VAT, will cover all you need to know to write your first novel, mostly because you’re not dealing with fact but something far deeper. This allows for great creative scope. The narrator, usually a woman, in her quest for personal growth happens on a like-minded group with a mysterious leader, usually a man. This gender stereotyping though typical is odd because most men aren’t usually drawn to spiritual growth yet always appear as teachers having presumably achieved it, whilst most women searching for it apparently haven’t. Obviously the leader must have deep ancient knowledge of some kind that requires him to speak either obtusely or in simplistic truths, and have dark penetrating eyes capable of looking into one’s soul. This soul vision allows him to delve with complete certainty the recesses of the narrator’s vast unconscious describing memories she can’t remember, deeds she is unaware of doing and thoughts she is oblivious of having. These supernatural powers captivate her as she is drawn back time and time again from her ordinary mundane life. Do remember to put in mundane facts about the narrator; they act as a counterpoint to the supernatural but stay clear of the same about the leader. The reader will not want to know about his leaking toilet, mortgage arrears and illegitimate children. Also remember the narrator must be dumb as shit to begin with with no ideas of her own so as to allow room for the growth. She must be bewildered by the obtuseness and marvel at the simplistic truths as wonderfully succinct and, well true. This raises the question of sex. Most deeply mysterious authoritative men with penetrating eyes have a large libido and it’s up to you how explicit you go with this. It’s probably unwise to go into Fifty Shades territory as it won’t help on the personal growth front to depict the leader as a womanising letch. It’s best left between the lines. Oh look at me giving away all the course material. Still it’s not too late to get the £2 early booking discount. Knowledge like this is priceless. You owe it to yourself. See you there.

Jesus Nailed.

At the risk of boring Mothermouse having explained this aaat lengthhhh the other evening under the influence of wine and a banal radio program that pushed my mental health issues close to breaking point, Jesus was a Buddhist. Following on the heals of my recent revelation that God is Reality a BBC doc makes the case for a different life of Christ. Jesus’s unknown years were spent in Cashmere becoming a mystic and returned at twenty nine to teach the ways of the Buddha. After being nailed to the cross, taken down and put in a cave his friends revived him and before Pilot could grab him again he went back to Cashmere. There he became a revered healer, lived to old age and buried in a tomb that still exists today. If that’s the case Jesus is not in the Arabic or Abrahamic tradition and the New Testament must be seen as having totally different references to the Old Testament not a continuation of it. That would make Mohammed’s references five hundred years later somewhat confusing. Brought up a Christian and making meditative visits to earlier Abrahamic prophets he began another religion based on two different theologies, part Jewish, part Buddhist, one based on an external god, the other on an internal progress towards one’s own supranormal presence. Similarly Christianity is part Buddhism and part Roman Empire that co-opted it for its own reasons of state leaving the original Christians to argue over the best way to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Well at least the Catholics have got that one sorted thanks probably to the pagan influences in Ireland. One thing for sure the origin of suffering is in the mind so best not to think too much. Whatever you choose it won’t be what you think it is. 

Last Night’s Da Bait.

In the same way adverts sell the generic impulse to buy something, anything, last night’s debate was a plea for a vote, any vote. And in the same way we know we don’t really need seven different varieties of shampoo we somehow know the seven varieties of political stance on offer amount to little more than a marketing attempt to expand a product line by making them different colours. It’s not that they aren’t justifiably politically different but that they’re all generically political. They’re marketing politics when what we need is product development. Cases in point. Austerity cuts vs NHS costs. NHS costs will rise astronomically if the populous is poorly fed, over stressed and demotivated. It makes economic sense to improve life quality than spending billions on medicating the walking wounded. Education. Real education is a question of ethos not funding. Cash will not stop falling standards and teachers leaving in droves. Economy. Productivity is lower than in 2007. Current wages would be 17% higher if the long-term average had been maintained. All these factors indicate a poorly educated under performing and increasingly stressed and dispirited society but the political debate studiously avoids the real consequences of its own failures and opts to discuss which is the best colour, apple green, blueberry blue or rose petal red. Our vote is reduced to marketing appeal rather than the research and development of a better political product. We have been fed the bait of considering the wrong question.

Marriage Guidance (inc Rodents)

How’s your relationship? Do you have little niggles with your partner that sometimes flare up? Do you by an innocent momentary oversight give rise to some inconsiderate hurt? Are things getting a little samey in the bedroom? Don’t worry we at Stiffmouse Marriage Guidance have the answer. Why not introduce pesky rodents into your relationship. If for example having eaten your own cupcake and then unwittingly gone on to eat your partner’s cupcake offer the explanation, “Squirrel.” “Oh really?” “Yes it came in and…” and look cute like a three-year-old. Your partner will be unable to maintain any animosity. Say for example you left the remote in the bread bin or the kitchen in an absolute mess, “Squirrels”. The only comeback is, “then we really must keep that back door closed more”. “Yes, I mean who’d of thought they could eat all that Simnel cake and make me stay in bed all morning.” Yes squirrels can account for all those day-to-day niggles that blight any relationship and maintain affectionate equanimity. And in the bedroom squirrels can account for any number of playful nips and tickles, and playing ‘Hunt the squirrel’ will guarantee hours of foreplay leading to sexual gratification. After in-depth research on introducing one or more squirrels into a relationship we can personally attest to its positive benefits. Other’s feedback. “After my wife explained it was squirrels that burn our dinner I simply didn’t feel my customary anger and disappointment.” (Jack, Stanstead) “Roger totally forgets about his arthritis since we’ve started playing ‘Hunt the Squirrel. He’s like a new man.” (Judith, Bristol)